i don’t know.

i don’t know if i’m human.

but perhaps,

just maybe,

that is the very thing that makes me human.

not knowing for sure.

i have so much to say.

and in accordance with my character,

i have no idea where to start.

ironic, isn’t it?

that teenagers are pegged as egotistical beings that could talk about themselves for hours

i wish i could find the pegger. i might give him a small wake up call slap. because across the different bedrooms and screens that connect our words, i would bet that many of us have no idea where to start when talking about ourselves.

i suppose for me, there are different versions of myself. the one that is presented much too often is watered down. has the answers memorized to each “get to know you” question that could be thrown at them on the first day of school. which isn’t necessarily a bad thing i guess.

see, look!

favorite word: crisp

favorite food: cookie dough

favorite movie: the secret life of walter mitty

favorite color: yellow

the funny thing is, most of the time that your math teacher asks you your favorite movie on the first day of school, they don’t care to know why you love it.

i’ll go first.

the secret life of walter mitty is my favorite film because it captures the unrestricted potential of life. what you can do, where you can go… life is in our hands, so why complain that we aren’t living a walter mitty life in iceland when it’s up to us?

life doesn’t have to be conventional. don’t do cookie cutter. it’s overrated. life can be fun- if you make it fun! CREATE THE LIFE YOU WANT! don’t throw away your passion because of societal expectations and income. your passion is a treasure. follow your dreams.

sorry, that was a tangent. i guess this is all helping you to get to know me, eh? well, there you go. i get off topic too much for my own good.

i’m uneasy about sharks

scared of regret

terrified of being kidnapped

and absolutely petrified of falling out of love.

i wear socks to bed. the ugly ones.

i have learned that i can be easy to read, which i highly dislike. my face can betray my secrets! how rude.

i love the smell of books and i love the ocean. it’s comforting, in a consistent sort of way. the tide will change but it always comes back. huh. i don’t necessarily know what that means, or if it’s deep in any way, but it is a pleasant thought for my sleepy mind.

and i think the thought that plagues me the most during the early am hours awake in bed, is that most days, i wish i was more.

i wish i was the funny girl. or the beautiful girl. that sounds vain and self centered- and i apologize for that. i guess what i’m trying to say is, when i was young, i dreamt i would be a certain way in high school. i had mentally created who i would be. and now, i have four months left. and i don’t think i’ll ever be that girl. my 8th grade self is crushed. i cant believe i let her down like that.

it stinks too, because the days i try to be that girl, it’s exhausting, ya feel? it’s unnatural. so i don’t push it. but how i wish it was natural.

not that i’m unhappy or am displeased with myself! i am happy. i love my life. and for the most part, i’m proud of myself and who i have become. i’m not trying to be the girl of my 8th grade illusions any more. she is lovely, but she is not me. and that’s okay.

pine trees are my favorite trees because of their color. and texture. and how they look all by each other. AH! (brb, gotta go up alpine loop)

i crave spontaneity.

being aware of yourself is painfully underrated.

guess what? i only sleep on the right side of my bed. funny, huh! i’m not sure why. i cant seem to put my finger on it, but maybe it’s making up for all the years as a child i only slept on the left.

now that i think about it, it’s always been the side closest to my bedroom door- both the escape and entry

huh. i bet that could be considered somewhat deep if looked at through the right lens. i’m too tired to figure out what it means right now. lol.

christmas lights should be an all year sort of deal.

my two favorite feelings in the world are feeling inspired, and missing a moment while you’re living in it.

i love stars. i love constellations. they’re humbling.

i love airports and made a vow with myself that i would never consider them commonplace as old as i got. they are fascinating and exciting. think of all those people! all in one place! and the only thing in common is they’re GOING or COMING. it tugs at my heart strings. the airport is a place of adventure, bravery, and coming home. my favorite kind of ABC’s.

here’s a weird fact: i’ve had a headache every day for like three months. should i get that checked out? ha

also, the feeling of the sun on your skin.

mmm.

i think i want to search for moments in my life that feel like that, in one way or another.

this is all very jumbled, isn’t it?

i guess you could say i’m pretty jumbled.

here i am.

just a jumble jumping around from one fact to another characteristic.

but this jumble is mine.

and i am happy to be here.

i hope our jumbles can become friends.

that would be pretty dang beautiful.